This place is dead anyway

Friend of Brockley Central, Steve, writes:

"I've heard from friends that the premises for Cafe Neu may become another funeral parlour. Is this true? It seems that areas near to the stations eg Brockley, Crofton Park and Honor Oak have improved over the years but the in-between parades eg the Cafe Neu and the Homeview areas continue to struggle.

"The sombre appearance of another funeral parlour will contrast well with the betting shops which have also set up business here. Perhaps there's some sort business connection?"

We've not heard anything about this - can you help Steve?

70 comments:

Do dah said...

I suppose it's the cemetery that attracts all these funeral parlours.

Anonymous said...

Lewisham High street (near the hospital) has a lot of funeral parlours as well (must be the hospital!)

Anonymous said...

Isn't there already one on the same parade of shops?

Do dah said...

One shouldn't laugh!

Anonymous said...

If betting is a tax on the stupid, are funeral expenses a tax on the dead?

patrick1971 said...

Surely Cafe Neu can't be going to turn into a funeral parlour? There's one almost next door, on the corner of Braxfield Road, and there's a Co-op one a bit further up opposite Wickham Road, IIRC. How much death is happening in SE4? Unless (tasteless joke alert) they're banking on more suicides from problem gamblers from Portland.

lb said...

Let's face it, a funeral parlour is one of the few really recession-proof business options. The demand's not going to go away any time soon.

Apparently many funeral directors in America are now owned by very large chains (see "America's largest provider of end-of-life services") for example.

I imagine it's only a matter of time before people here start pushing for local, sustainable, fairtrade-accredited funeral parlours.

lb said...

By the way, what's the sign going to be like?

TJ said...

Cafe Neu can't be turning into a funeral parlour. If you've been in there, it is one room out front, with a small toilet and back room. There would be no place to um store the.....

If I'm wrong and it does - then I'd prefer this (nice quiet business) to a bookies.

patrick1971 said...

"I imagine it's only a matter of time before people here start pushing for local, sustainable, fairtrade-accredited funeral parlours."

They already exist! Certainly the Co-op has an ethical option, where you're buried in woodland in a cardboard coffin.

The UK is actually quite unusual in that most funeral parlours are small, independent enterprises. Chains are much more common in other countries.

lb said...

I've already specified that when my time is up I want to be fly-tipped.

Do dah said...

You know it's one of the kindest things to do for grieving loved ones to leave specific instructions on how you'd like to go along with the funding.

TJ said...

Lol @ Lb - I was thinking of being laid out on the spare plinth in Trafalger Square

Headhunter said...

Yes I heard about the "fairtrade, organic earth mother" burial option in a woodland in a cardboard coffin. That's what I want, if anyone's listening. I haven't spent my whole life riding a bike and avoiding cars to go up in smoke after I've gone...

I love lb's link "end of life services", that's just so American! They can be so direct to the point of rudeness in business, yet when it comes to sexuality, sexual equality and obviously death, they pussy foot around with phrases like "end of life services". FFS, call it what it is!

max said...

I agree, the organic method is what I want too.
Incineration uses a lot of energy and you don't get to re-enter the cycle really and what goes on inside a traditional coffin is revolting.
The organic method, which by the way is very similar to the traditional Muslim burial is what I want too.
I heard that one American President was buried with his casket open on one side.

Do dah said...

I don't like the 'trendiness' of being 'green'. I just believe as I have always believed in not wasting. Why should one's loved ones be burdened with buying an over the top casket, which is literally going to go to waste.
A pine box, a simple service is all I require.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

Im going to be mush'ed up into kitten food and the poop'ed over everyones front lawns.

Danja said...

Chuck me in the SELCHP.

Anonymous said...

Green-ness is a fad that comes and grows. Remember the big 'OMG the environment' drive of the 90s! Well its back and this time it's called 'Green!'

I do hope the new parlour will use organic embalming fluids...

Anonymous said...

I wish to be propped up against a filthy matress on a council estate in West Brockley

max said...

My Grandmother, who was an extremely devout Southern Italian Catholic belonged to the "congregation of the good death" and as such at the end of her life was entitled to the simpliest burial, with unadorned pine box, in exchange she left all her worldly possessions to the church.
You may have seen the last Pope's funeral and he also had an unadorned pine box, in fact he belonged to the same congregation.

Headhunter said...

Anon - I think you'll find that "OMG the environment" never actually went away.

Andy - Good idea, recycle yourself AND become fertiliser. Very good idea.

Do Dah - Trendy or just not wasteful, whatever motivates you, it's all good

MB said...

My mum passed away recently, being a Roman Catholic burial was the thing she wanted. My dad insisted I organise one round the corner from him £3300!! just for a hole in the ground! (it is double depth, room for him - all a bid morbid really) had to pay the undertaker on top of that. I respected my mums wishes but JESUS H CHRIST!

I'm seriously thinking about donating my body to a medical school. I'm just not sentimental about my remins. I'd rather leave to money so people can have a big party. Or I may leave it to an ethnic food shack on ~Hilly Fields to annoy you know who...

Sue Luxton said...

For those 'planning ahead', there is a woodland burial area in Brockley & Ladywell cemeteries.

I too have heard that Cafe Neu is going to be a funeral parlour and the former Mariam bookshop next door an office, but don't know if it is true, and I haven't seen any planning application for either. Just had a quick word with a planning officer about what category funeral parlours come under, and it's something of a grey area and depends on the application - if it's just a shop, it may only need A1 permission, which it already has, but if they are planning a funeral chapel etc out the back, it may be 'sui generis', which from what I understand is for businesses that don't fit neatly into other categories.

BTW, Portland have put in an application for a new shop front at 329-321 Brockley Road, which they say will be similar to their one in Abbey Wood, only without shutters. Not having seen their other shop, I don't know if that is good or bad, but you can find details of the applications at: here and here

Also, the application for 286 Brockley Road goes to planning committee A on 14th August. Details here. This is for "the demolition of the workshop building and construction of a three storey, plus roof space building, to provide 2, two bedroom, self-contained flats and 1, two bedroom self-contained maisonette on the site of 286 Brockley Road SE4, and construction of 1, two storey three bedroom house to the rear of Nos. 286 and 288, together with associated landscaping and provision of bin/recycling stores, cycle store and a car parking space with access onto Braxfield Road."

Anonymous said...

Where's 329 Brockley Road? At this rate, Plumstead's going to be a more salubrious area than SE4. Thanks Portland. C*nts. (Sorry. It's the only language they'll understand)

The Brockley Telegraph said...

Good work sue!

Anyone know what 286 brockley road is at the moment? I'm not even sure where this is.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

Good work sue!

Anyone know what 286 brockley road is at the moment? I'm not even sure where this is.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

I quite like the abbey rd front of portlands, Its alot better than most on brockley rd. I'd like to see the owners of Portland get involved at the coulgate st Xmas fair. They could offer a fun bet whether or not it will snow on Xmas day - proceeds could go to the BCAG

Anonymous 13.24 said...

If 329 Brockley Road is their existing project then apologies for the premature use of the anglo-saxon. I jumped to the conclusion that they'd got permission to develop another site also. Too much coffee I guess.

Brockley Jon said...

286 Brockley Road is just opposite Moonbows, on the corner of Braxfield. Looks like a lot of work, wouldn't want to be the neigbours.

It appears they're going to replace the workshop with a period-looking house, sympathetic to next door, and as long as they do it well, it could be quite nice. The house round the back is a bit bland but most people won't see it.

Looking at lots of planning applications (as I find myself doing lately) it amazes me how many 'old skool' architects there are! - I mean hand drawings, rather than using CAD software. Stencil lettering has had it's day surely, but I suppose it's in the Brockley artist spirit!

drakefell debaser said...

I hope so; I can't see a viable market for another betting shop anywhere else in Brockley now.

I still think a monkey in silk is a monkey no less so regardless of what it looks like from the outside it will still have a detrimental impact to the area. I see they are requesting planning for 3 illuminated signs so is that one for each window then. Tacky comes to mind, I just hope they don’t flash in the night like a strip joint but it will clearly stick out like a dogs what's it.

It will be a depressing journey coming from Crofton Park end if Cafe Neu is to become undertakers too as the immediate industries on view will be vice and death.

Brockley Fox said...

[sic]

"It will be a depressing journey coming from Crofton Park end if Cafe Neu is to become undertakers too as the immediate industries on view will be vice and death."

Well if it does, then at least we can get our own tv series....Brockley Vice ;) that or CSI New Cross ;)

just hope they dont interfere with the house on braxfied road.... its quite nice looking, with lots of trees ad bushes. Nice to see some inward investment into brockley though.

drakefell debaser said...

CSI New Cross would be brillaint, maybe the chap that played Grisham would consider spearheading it now that he has left the vegas outfit.

Tressilliana said...

I hope it was a condition of planning permission that they get somebody who can punctuate to check their apostrophes. That grocer's apostrophe in the current sign irritates me every time I pass it.

nsfr said...

In Peckham there is a newsagents which offers "Passport Photoes" which always makes me smile.

Anonymous said...

What does it say?

Speedycar's?

Driver's wanted?

Not the dreaded... "TAXI'S"?

Tressilliana said...

It says:

Portland Bookmakers - Gambling at it's best

Anonymous said...

Surely "Gambling at its/it's best" would mean winning every time - if that's what they're offering, I'm sure I'll be down there like a shot!

Anonymous said...

Tresilliana,

So you desire less grammatical mistakes? ;-)

Brockley Dave said...

stop the film quotes, every time I read one I have to watch the film!

As for the funeral shop, well it could be worse, although when I first moved here I did think there were a lot... And bookies and hair/nail places!

Anonymous said...

I suspect that the funeral development is an expansion of the current one on the corner. I had to use thier services recently and the existing premises are tired and tatty. they were talking then about how to relocate and expand.

Anonymous said...

4 steps to death:

Bankruptcy via Portland
Heart attack via Morleys
Embalmed in the undertakers
Buried in Cemetary

All conveniently located on one row of shops

sine wave said...

don't forget the most important - poor signage desgin feeding directly into the breakdown of societal fabric, causing an unprecedented outbreak of grisly anti-social behaviour leading to us all getting our heads cut off on buses by fellow passengers

'first they put up signs'

Anonymous said...

Oh god yes. Its thought that if Broca changed the font on their sign it could necessitate martial law within Brockley's borders.

Do dah said...

You know there's one thing worse than people complaining about commercial signs breaching the clearly stated conservation area rules, and that's people complaining, carping and whining about people complaining about commercial signs breaching the clearly stated conservation area rules.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

hmm, that comment sounds familiar do dah....

Anonymous said...

Personally I can't stand people complaning about people complaining, carping and whining about people complaining about commercial signs breaching the clearly stated (but necessary to be taken with a pinch of salt as life is too short) area rules.

Tressillian James said...

Anon, Sign o the times, Sine whatever - you are almost as bad as Andy constantly reverting a thread to your own topic. Get over it.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

yes yes, whatever you say TJ. At least I have managed to formulate opinions on things unlike some people.

sine wave said...

"You know there's one thing worse than people complaining about commercial signs breaching the clearly stated conservation area rules, and that's people complaining, carping and whining about people complaining about commercial signs breaching the clearly stated conservation area rules"

getting AIDS would also probably be worse than that as well to be fair

fabhat said...

Oh dear, we have a troll again...

13.24 said...

Sadly, I haven't seen or heard the hearse horses being fed and watered in leafy Ivy Road for a couple of years now. It was a a beautiful thing to observe, in a nostalgic, 'isn't-it comforting-that-some-things-never change' kind of way.

The Brockley Telegraph said...

I had a troll on my own blog once, it was really quite sweet. I was lucky that my troll was fairly intelligent and managed to question a few things, which I thought was good. Sadly, we never met as I would of given him/her a really big hug.

I saw him/her as my young padawun ofc :o)

Headhunter said...

Hearse horses on Ivy Rd?! Surely horses pulling horses went out in the middle of the last century!

Funnily enough though I used to see horses quite regularly on Manor Ave which was a bit surreal, I used to see them at the Lewisham Rd end of Wickham Mews as well sometimes

Sinophobic said...

"I had a troll on my own blog"

love detective, that was me

i hope the irony of you deleting comments from others on a post by yourself complaining about, erm... comments being deleted on other blogs wasn't lost by your tiny mind

(just think how much more thick you'd be if you weren't gay)

James said...

I have not commented for a while so please forgive me for the negativity that will follow. Also, I think I may be about to fuel a rather boring fire here but I cannot bite my tongue any longer.

“Signs guy”: The focus of this site is on improving and celebrating the area we all live in. I believe improving shop frontages is very much part of that. You disagree. You have made your point. Now please accept that others feel differently about it and stop banging on about organic sausages.

Andy: Where to start? You are so cringe worthy sometimes I think you write what write just so you can create a virtual conflict and then sit back and enjoy the mayhem. In fact you are so cringe worthy I actually hope that this is the case. The alternative is that you are actually as awful as you seem. Your opinions and sweeping statements are on most occasions insensitive and at the worst of times borderline xenophobic. Your almost obsessive need to argue over everything is annoying but at least it is made a little more entertaining by your habit of scurrying off and producing debatable pieces of evidence in a futile attempt to prove your point. I could go on and on so I think I may just paint you a picture of how you portray yourself on this site, whether intentional or not.

You seem to be a very lonely, sad and bitter man who spends a disproportionate amount of time online. You have, what I consider to be, racist tendencies coupled with a number of other disturbing views on homosexuality, immigration and national politics. Not wanting to do a cheap psycho-analysis but I would imagine that you have somewhat of an inferiority complex. If I was to guess why, it would be because you are, quite clearly, not the sharpest tool in the shed but desperately wished you were. The mammoth size chip on your shoulder would make even “Sign Man” quiver in his boots.

I think you really do believe you are making insightful and water tight arguments when, for the most part, they are more along the lines of what my 11 year brother would write in his school essays. I also think you strive to impress with these debates which makes it all even more infuriating.

And just to put the cherry on the cake, you also have a revolting habit of self-aggrandisement, eg “I work for a chartered accountant”. Wow. Would you like a pat on the back? A medal perhaps? A bank holiday in your honour?

Again everyone, I am very sorry for the rant (and the length of it!) but I couldn’t help myself. I hope it doesn't derail the thread as it is probably not the place to post it. Nick and Jon, if the comment has stepped over the mark, please delete it. Andy, I beg you to take into account the above when you draft your next post. Better still. Have a chat to your friends about it and see what they think.

PS: and before you go and get all excited...I will not be bothering with the long and tedious response that will no doubt follow.

sino-soviet split said...

"stop banging on about organic sausages"

never mentioned them once or anything else to do with organic food/yoghurt weaving/eco snobs

nobbly brick said...

when I came upon "You seem to be a very lonely, sad and bitter man who spends a disproportionate amount of time online" I thought I'd been caught out.

glad its about someone called andy...

The Brockley Telegraph said...

TJ, whatever next.

So now I'm a homphobic gay person? Incredible insight you have there.

I will put the homophobia on the list right next to Sexist, Bigot and racist.

Hsve a good weekend!

Headhunter said...

Wow James, that's a serious rant. That beats all my rants put together!

The Brockley Telegraph said...

Indeed, it makes you wonder who has the chip on their shoulder :o)

Anyway, HH, what you upto this weekend? I'm just off to Harrow & Wealdstone, Rumour has its beyong the north circular so im going to take a rain coat and some wellington boots :o)

Brockley Fox said...

Bockely Telegraph..
[sic]
"I will put the homophobia on the list right next to Sexist, Bigot and racist.

Hsve a good weekend!"

you might want to add illiterate to the list too ;)

nobbly brick said...

you may want to check the usage of 'sic' BF, it's good, very good, but in the hands of the ignorant it can be tricky...

...the ellipsis however

lb said...

Hearse horses (try saying that quickly after a few pints) are alive and well and generally offered as an (expensive) option by many funeral services.

I think they're still quite popular for traditional Sarf Lahndahn funerals.

Marisa said...

I heard that there was also going to be a new undertakers at the premises of Cafe Neu. It's not an extntion of the existing one (I have that under good authority). It's going to be a chain of undertakers where they already have premises nearby to do embalming etc.

This parade is going down hill fast. It's part of the Ladywell Ward and gets over looked because it's also half in Brockley Ward. Oh well, bring on the betting shops and undertakers, surely competition will dictate their success?

Do dah said...

Well the thing is, if you complain about the plethora of bookies or the the clustering of any one type of business, dominating the area you're cast as a house price obsessed anti-capitalist snob.

Anonymous said...

It's been suggested before that we club together and open a 'co-operative' business. Anyone fancy organising this? Maybe we can pool our money and take over one of the empty shops and open a book shop, music shop etc? This would surely be a massive success!! I can't think why we haven't done it before.

Do dah said...

Well that seems like a solution, but in these 'credit crunched' times, does anyone have the money?

lb said...

[Anonymous] Nice idea, but given the sort of profits to be made off the back of an occasional book or CD sale (especially in the era of Amazon and itunes) do you really think it'd be a "massive success"?

You need to indentify something that a) Brockley currently lacks b) isn't going to be overly affected by the fact that the retail joys of London are ten minutes away and c) could succeed even in a period of low economic growth (this is where a funeral parlour has the edge). I'm sure there are possibilities, but it needs careful planning.

13:24 said...

Following on from Marisa (11 Aug)

Looks like the new funeral parlour at the Junction of Death is taking shape: it's just been painted a lovely shade of Henry Ford Black.

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