Brockley, Brockley, Brockley

Television. You know its power, you crave its validation. Oh sure, the numbers might argue that no-one under the age of 25 watches live TV any more, you might protest that you are too busy watching SWAT teams raid gamers' houses on Twitch or sending Vines of your Whatsapp account to your Twitter followers, but somehow, everyone saw the Lottery advert set in Brockley and here we all are now, waiting for Phil and Kirsty's verdict.

Because they are back in Brockley for the third time in as many years, because it's the only affordable and desirable part of the city left. Location, Location, Location were filming in Rokeby Road and the Brockley Mess a while back and the Brockley episode is on right now.

However absurd the presenters are, however obscene you find the property market, you know you want to know what they say.

So let's see. What will they say? We're live blogging the show again.

8.04 - OK, so Kirsty's showing a model and a man with nice legs around Brockley. Typical Brockley residents. They will fit in just fine.

8.06 - She loves the London night life, so Brockley is the natural place to start.

8.09 - Our old foes Catford and Forest Hill are competing for their attention. The eternal struggle!

8.11 - Bloody hell, Blackheath is expensive.

8.14 - "Brockley's a hotbed for young creatives," she says gesturing at a camper van, because nothing's more creative than a camper van. Just needed a couple of bros playing hacky sack to complete the picture.

8.16 - A basement flat in Rokeby Road for £379k. Nice garden.

8.17 - The couple that wanted Blackheath are coming down to earth with a bump. Kidbrooke Village. Phil keeps pretending that is in some way handy for Canary Wharf.

8.30 - So far, it looks like a repeat of the 2013 episode, when a young idealistic couple came, had a poke around near the Wickham Arms and realised that they could get more for their money a bit further down the line.

8.33 - Phil is now trying to tell the man who wants an easy journey to Canary Wharf that Woolwich is a good idea, because you can get a bus to Lewisham in 17 minutes (is that really possible at rush hour?). What about the flipping train to Greenwich?

8.35 - Now the Blackheath couple are heading out to Beckenham in search of somewhere to live. This is an object lesson in property market inflation.

8.40 - Man who was looking at Blackheath secretly waiting for a property price crash. Not going to happen people.

8.42 - The model woman who wanted to move to Brockley has "a bit of a fit" about being shown Catford but is talked down from the ledge to look around.

8.43 - Catford has made her cry. Nobody show her the plastic cat...

8.48 - This episode really shows that the London property market makes lunatics of us all.

8.50 - Sevenoaks is not the cheap alternative to London.

8.51 - When has the Brockley Mess ever been that empty? We've never been able to get one of those bloody green booths. The magic of television.

8.54 - Brockley Mess looks like it's been painted by Edward Hopper.

8.55 - Brockley residents wouldn't cry on TV about being shown a Catford property. No wonder they plumped for Forest Hill.

8.59 - If the camera adds ten pounds then Brockley had approximately 10,000 more cameras pointing at it compared with the last time Location visited.

24 comments:

jumbo said...

Catford isnt that bad, is it? Looked like the blondey was gonna have a breakdown! The high street is a dump but streets off it are alright mostly should of taken them to the catford constitutional club. Why did phil say that from woolwich to get to work in canary wharf you'd have to take a bus to lewisham, the dlr runs from woolwich to the wharf I thought.

Broccola said...

Yesterday they were filming outside Nisa a new TV ad....when I asked the crew why, they replied " Brockley is an up and coming lovely area and that Nisa is apparently one of the best they have! "....watch the screens people...from a lottery ad to a Nisa one....we are rocking!

Demotivatrix said...

Isn't Kidbrooke Village just the soulless blocks they've chucked up over
the rubble of The Ferrier? Modern, yes, but in the arse end of nowhere
if you're trying to get to Canary Wharf. And why would you get the bus
to Lewisham for the DLR, when Woolwich Arsenal's nearer? That said,
Canary Wharf boy was a total cock, so I'm not surprised Phil wasn't
exactly at his best

guest said...

Visited a friend who lives in Kidbrooke Village. It is proper nice, and definitely lot nicer than what's been popping up in Lewisham, Stratford and E&C.

terrencetrentderby said...

You should have seen Kidbrooke 5 years ago, this is an improvement

The Colonel said...

Catford has a KFC which is more than you can say about Brockley.

futurista said...

Yes Canary Wharf boy was so ungracious especially standing next to his pleasant wife

PVP said...

And ended up in..... Sevenoaks! I think wife must have laid down a few home truths off camera...

Headhunter said...

Yes she must've laid things on the line. He went from "there's a price crash coming in 2015 and I'll be buying in Blackheath later in the year" to "OK we're going to live in Sevenoaks"... He did come across as a total tw@t

Headhunter said...

I was wondering that... I bet it was marketed as a 1 bed with office (which happens to have a single bed in it...)

Crofty said...

Classic post Nick! Had to rush off and watch on 4oD after reading this. Still don't quite understand why the Canary Wharf couple weren't shown Brockley/Crofton Park where their budget would have worked and commute is piece of cake... but on other hand quite glad the bloke won't be my neighbour...

terrencetrentderby said...

Sadly it's a lot better than Lion Chicken and the other crap around Brockley Station, truly a bleak place for takeaways.

Headhunter said...

On another note, the Evening Standard reports that Lewisham Borough is in the bottom 10 in the entire UK for food hygiene enforcement

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/revealed-six-london-boroughs-among-10-worst-performing-areas-in-uk-for-food-hygiene-10043350.html



Watch out for rat poo when you're eating out. Waiter, is that a crunchy crouton in my soup? No, sir, a cockroach....

Mrs Chips said...

Still got Fishy Business though - Brockley's one remaining honest chippy!

Max Calò said...

I agree, there are plenty of nice places in walking distance of DLR where you could buy a 3 bedroom house for those money.

Max Calò said...

Estate agents are missing a trick there, they should say that the property benefits from secure panic room.

Shed said...

Saying exactly the same thing all the way through. And you can get a much better place in Beckenham than they went to see (but you got to deal with all the chavs so still not a good option compared with se4 )

Shed said...

Panic rooms have ventilation and fire protection - so this was more of a death room! Still a marketable feature I'm sure.

Brockley Nick said...

Except I, and just about everyone else on BC, am forever blowing smoke up their bloody arses. But who speaks up for Tony's eh? Just as good, IMO.

JPM said...

The requirement for windows is (or isn't?) listed as Approved Doc B - Fire. Criteria for means of escape

B1.xi The basic principles for the design of means of escape are:

a. that there should be alternative means of escape from most situations;
b. where direct escape to a place of safety is not possible, it should be possible to reach a place of relative safety, such as a protected
stairway, which is on a route to an exit, within a reasonable travel distance. In such cases the means of escape will consist of two parts,
the first being unprotected in accommodation and circulation areas, and the second in protected stairways (and in some circumstances
protected corridors).

Monkeyboy said...

only applies to new build though? you can put a bed and use any room you like as a bedroom if you own your house? my old victorian terrace contraveans all sorts of building regs, its not ilegal to sell it?

Max Calò said...

Yes for your own use you can sleep wherever you want, but to sell it as a bedroom is another matter. I know that in Italy to advertise a room as a double bedroom it must have at least 14 sqm and a 2 sqm window. I don't know the requirements for a single room but there surely are some.

Anon said...

Last weeks Evening Standard magazine spoke of Zone 3 being the new Zone 2 turning previously 'suburban' locales into hipster hotspots...'in up and coming Catford, The Constitutional Club is leading the charge, with its cider and ale menu, chandeliers and bunting.'
Meanwhile in Hither Green....

Anon said...

Did the B&B couple live in the converted church tower at Gipsy Hill?

As for the other couple would not something in Blackheath South (nearer Lewisham) have been of interest, with it's DLR?
Or the Hither Green area and cycling?

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