The Money Shot: News Shopper discovers Swinger Haunt in New Cross

Don Jon: Money shot? There is no real life money shot. Real girls won't do that shit. You just gotta cum into the fucking condom.
- Don Jon

The News Shopper has trawled swingers forums to discover "London's last remaining sex cinema" in our midst and reports that the New Cross venue is a hang-out for people seeking sex in the aisles.

We can't help but feel that they missed a trick by not sending their lascivious Pub Spy to investigate, but reporter Mark Chandler's gonzo account is all the more entertaining for its po-facedness. Here's a dose:

In the front row sat a Phil Mitchell lookalike with a grunt to match, trousers around his ankles, while a kneeling woman in red lingerie performed a sex act upon him.

Standing around by the door and sitting on the red seats were a group of middle-aged, sheepish-looking men, pleasuring themselves as they watched. Only one customer seemed to be paying no attention, reaching into a black rucksack and pulling out a can of Fosters.

After a while, Phil looked across at us and uttered the charming phrase: "If anyone wants to have a go on her, be my guest. The condoms are just there."

For the X-Certificate News Shopper story, click here. With thanks to Polly for the spot.

7 comments:

Olina said...

This was in Vice a week or so ago (good to see New Shopper is keeping up with the hipsters). Good thing too, New Cross/Deptford has needed something like this since the sad demise of the longest-running business on the stretch, the gay sauna at 192. Healthy clean fun.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/londons-last-sex-cinema-is-back-from-the-dead-822

Monkeyboy said...

"also see Steve, the pinstriped City banker who cuts an incongruous, Patrick Bateman-style figure."

I think he means Hugh

Chorlton said...

I think we actually need more of this sort of thing. Brockley seems very sexually repressed; to look at some of the cosy families in the area you'd think they'd had sex a maximum of 3 times in their lives to produce their snotty offspring. Where have all the hedonists gone?

Brockley Nick said...

So cosiness = sexually repressed?

Chorlton said...

Usually, yeah. I can't imagine the local deli customers to be anything more than utilitarian, "hole cut in a sheet" types.

Brockley Nick said...

Maybe you're the one with the lack of imagination? What does a hedonist look like?

Headhunter said...

Hugh finally discovered there was a reason to stay in SE London rather than move to Earl's Court....

Brockley Central Label Cloud