Suppose they gave a festival and no-one came

This is why Brockley Central has a pathological fear of hosting parties.

The bizarre Deptford Heritage Festival-cum-pre-election-stunt turned out to be as entertaining as one of the organiser's interminable political videos. The "festival" was put on by Ray Woolford of local political party People Before Profit and "took place" over the May Day weekend.

Like our very own version of one of those muddy fields pretending to be a winter wonderland that make the news each year, few people turned up to the £25-a-ticket event and there were even fewer things for them to do.

The News Shopper has had some fun curating the tweets from those piteous few who did go. This is our favourite:

People Before Profit, whose banners were one of the few things to see during the festival, may be shameless bandwagon jumpers, but their stunts often help to highlight important issues. To merk local people in this way, however, is a curious form of politics.