The Money Shot: News Shopper discovers Swinger Haunt in New Cross

Don Jon: Money shot? There is no real life money shot. Real girls won't do that shit. You just gotta cum into the fucking condom.
- Don Jon

The News Shopper has trawled swingers forums to discover "London's last remaining sex cinema" in our midst and reports that the New Cross venue is a hang-out for people seeking sex in the aisles.

We can't help but feel that they missed a trick by not sending their lascivious Pub Spy to investigate, but reporter Mark Chandler's gonzo account is all the more entertaining for its po-facedness. Here's a dose:

In the front row sat a Phil Mitchell lookalike with a grunt to match, trousers around his ankles, while a kneeling woman in red lingerie performed a sex act upon him.

Standing around by the door and sitting on the red seats were a group of middle-aged, sheepish-looking men, pleasuring themselves as they watched. Only one customer seemed to be paying no attention, reaching into a black rucksack and pulling out a can of Fosters.

After a while, Phil looked across at us and uttered the charming phrase: "If anyone wants to have a go on her, be my guest. The condoms are just there."

For the X-Certificate News Shopper story, click here. With thanks to Polly for the spot.