What's the fastest way to Brockley's liver?

After a long period of decline, there are signs that Brockley pub scene is livening up, with two locals developing radically different strategies to win the affections of Brockley's boozers.

First up is the Wickham Arms, which according to an oddly lecherous review in the Pubspy column of the News Shopper, has started employing supermodels as barstaff.

Under the headline "Spy finds staff tastier than pint", the News Shopper's ageing reviewer proceeds to write at length about how fit the barmaids are:

"The barmaid reminded me of a cross between Duffy and Julie Andrews... If I had been 30 years younger I might have engaged her in a longer conversation than "a pint of Pride please.""

The Wickham gets five stars for the staff, but only one for the beer.

The Talbot's new management, on the other hand, plan to tempt you with food. Here's the sample menu which they unveiled at the recent BC drinks:

Starters

Spinach soup, Beetroot puree, Peppercorn Creme Fraiche

Brown Trout and Avocado Tian, Tree pepper Saucxe Vierge

Smoked ham Croquetas, Sage and Almond Pesto

Spaghetti, Garlic and Anchovy Oil and Pine Nuts

Classica Vegetable and Flower Salad, lightly spiced vinegrette

Petit Charcuterie of European Cheese and Meats, Grapefruit and Pickled Jalepenos.

Mains

Pan-fried sea bass, Confit fennel, Balsamic reduction

Baked trout, Tomato fondant, Dill sauted potatoes

Globe artichoke, Hollandaise sauce, Crispy fired leeks

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Rabit and dark chocolate stew, Saffron spiced rice

Free-range chicken breast (roasted), Wild mushroom ketchup, Tarragon

Mash potatoes

Sirloin steak, Beetroot, and Potato Rosti, Seasonal greens, Red wine jus

Desserts

Bread and butter pudding, Cream chocolate and Cranberry Almond tart, Vamilla ice cream

Appleas and Champagne jelly, Pera sorbert

Cheees plate, Quince jelly, Celery, Water biscuits

Bar food and lunch

Seasonal pork pie served with home mad epickles and Chutney

Ploughman's platters

Trout, Horseradish cream, Toast

Mixed platter

So which will win out? Brockley's stomach or its libido?

Thanks to JPM and Anna.