Brockley Central enters Lewisham Mayoral race

Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.
- O Brother, Where Art Thou?


Brockley Nick here:

In the past, I have promised to be non-partisan about the local elections. However, I am afraid that I am going to have to retract that promise.

I have decided to stand for the Lewisham Mayoral election as an independent candidate, on behalf of the Brockley Central party.

It's not a decision I have taken lightly and it is clearly not an election I expect to win. Brockley Central might be able to fill a pub from time-to-time, but is unlikely to attract much of a borough-wide following. In fact, I will be pleased to avoid being seen as a joke candidate.

However, it is my hope that, if I can secure enough of your votes, then Brockley's concerns will have to be taken seriously by the next Mayor. While I respect many of the other candidates, when it comes to SE4's real problems, I believe they remain aloof.

My manifesto is a simple seven-point plan:

  1. Cleaner streets - increased investment in sanitation, voluntary schemes for local businesses to cut plastic bags and packaging

  2. Better pavements - removing clutter and unnecessary street furniture and railings

  3. Draconian treatment of selfish parking - more traffic wardens, more car-free areas in our main streets

  4. Compulsory purchase orders against car dealerships in Brockley's main centres - allowing them to be redeveloped as valuable shops, such as delis and galleries

  5. Increased funding and powers for volunteer groups, such as Brockley Cross Action Group - allowing them to appoint their own contractors for the successful delivery of local projects

  6. Relaxation of planning rules in Brockley's mews - unleashing private investment and enterprise on these neglected spaces

  7. Cancelling Lewisham News and all other forms of written communication from the Council - all communication will be delivered digitally, to reduce costs

Nominations close on April 8th. I will begin campaigning properly at that point.

I hope I can count on your support on May 8th.

Thank you for listening.

38 comments:

M said...

You get my vote!*



*I will of course retract this on April 2nd.

Monkeyboy said...

You forgot to formalise the revised Brockley Borders or support the building of settlements in Crofton Park.

Phil Dearson said...

April Fools!

Tamsin said...

And for a few seconds I was thinking I would need to invite you to the Pensioners Forum Hustings later this month.

Of course if anyone wants to vote local there's John Hamilton with an SE4 postcode.

nburdy said...

read the first line and knew this was bullshit. nice try though nick, you would have got my vote.

Anonymous said...

What's the date? April 1st??

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the race.
A bit surprised there's no direct mention of fried chicken though.

love detective said...

is May the 8th when all the ED1 workers get to vote?

Susan said...

You really need a campaign billboard like Gordon's.

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/3/31/1270067978742/Labour-strategists-campai-001.jpg

Brum said...

Well, I fell for it, unsurprising as my own jokes only extend to 'oh look there's a dead fox in the garden'.

love detective said...

your shoe laces are undone brum

Brockley Nick said...

I tried to double-bluff you all with the Rivoli story below - figured people might think that was the April Fool.

love detective said...

can you hand on heart say nick that there was not even a smidgin of testing the water embedded within this?

i'd always thought if brockley wasn't green you would at some point run for councilor

Brockley Nick said...

@LD - yes, I can honestly say that. Now, if there was a dictatorship up for grabs, I'd promise to be benign.

Bea said...

You'd have had my vote ... I like the manifesto.

Too bad it's only a joke.

Tamsin said...

You do need to be careful. One Monster Raving Looney Candidate once found himself elected. And it is amazing how many of their manifesto pledges put forward as nutty ideas in the 1970s are now genuine election pledges by semi-mainstream parties.

barryls said...

Yep, you got my vote.

The other Brockley nick said...

Yay! You get my vote!

Headhunter said...

You don't get mine. I don't want nasty cheap little Barratt homes popping up all along the CA mews making property developers wealthy and cramming more people into the CA. I am happy with them as they are, thanks.

Brockley Nick said...

Just to be clear, my manifesto was not entirely serious.

Mb said...

Too late, you've created a monster that cannot be controlled. VOTE NICK!

love detective said...

"Just to be clear, my manifesto was not entirely serious"

it's a fantastic april fool that keeps on fooling people even after it's been explained to them it's an april fool - well done!

Brockley Nick said...

Glad you like it LD - does that mean I can count on your vote this May?

Anonymous said...

Yep, it's too late to back down now Nick - I've just spoken to Darren and Ute and we're convening an emergency meeting of Lewisham Green Party to discuss standing our mayoral candidate down in favour of you Nick, in light of your manifesto and Dean's blog post this morning ;)

love detective said...

"Glad you like it LD - does that mean I can count on your vote this May?"

i'm split 50/50 between you and tess at the moment

Vote-Nicker said...

I fell for it, but you still have my vote.

Lep Recorn said...

ah g'wan g'wan g'wan g'wan g'wan

I would even stop voting green

Unknown said...

Very good!!

I fell for it too, even with the deli and art gallery manifesto:)))...

Anonymous said...

@LD ... you and Tess should launch a joint candidacy. Tents do not get much bigger, although fachist/stalinest pacts do not have a great track record.

Headhunter said...

I knew it was an AF I just wanted to make a point!

Anonymous said...

I see a DR in Brockley has been struck off for making too many mistakes,and that's not an April Fool.

Anonymous said...

What is a 'DR'? Do you mean a doctor? I can't find any mention via Google - please can you give more details.

Anonymous said...

It was in this weeks Mercury.

Anonymous said...

www.mercury-today.co.uk
Click on news.

Paddyom said...

I actually probably would have voted for you mate. Shame it's a joke.

Paddyom said...

I actually probably would have voted for you mate. Shame it's a joke.

Anonymous said...

I see the SLP has taken you seriously today.

Brockley Nick said...

Thanks Anon, I've just gone and bought a copy. I think that counts as a successful April Fool!

I suppose that's what happens when April Fool falls on editorial deadline day...

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